The struggle is arduous and downright excruciating. Appreciating the conflict is the first place to start. Understanding the dynamics helps me to remain present to the emotions and not succumb to the minds’ chatter. I begin by listening to my emotions. Listening with my consciousness, not my mind. I remain in my body, in spite of my mind’s desire to distract me. I feel the pain, I feel the fear, I feel the helplessness, I feel the darkness, I feel the loneliness, I feel the heartbreak, I feel the sorrow, I feel the pain, it is getting deeper and deeper, it seems to be endless, the more I feel, the more I feel, the more I feel, the deeper I go, the deeper I go, the more lost I feel, the pain becomes unbearable. I feel the heat, I feel the terror, the darkness surrounds me, engulfs me, I am all alone, I am all alone. God help me. This is so scary; this is terrifying…I am all alone.

I AM ALL ALONE. This is where I invariably arrive. This is the darkness I am so petrified of experiencing. Here it is, the truth of this moment. It is masked in so many ways. It dresses itself in the many other garbs of emotions. All the fears, the insecurities, the pain, the sorrow, the anxieties, the conflicts, the stories, the shame, the worries, the grief, are all there to mask the bottom line fear- I AM ALONE, I AM SEPARATE.

I stand at the edge of this emotion afraid to move one step forward. A sense of dread and paralysis comes over me. Where do I go from here? What am I to do now? How could this be? I want to go back. But go back to where? I just came from there and here I am. It is all the same; there is no turning back. I am all alone.

The terror is unbearable. There is nothing in front of me. There is nothing behind me; there is nothing but darkness around me. I come face to face with the void; this is the abyss I have for so long been avoiding. Where am I? Who am I? An unspeakable feeling of vulnerability comes over me. An overwhelming sense of helplessness, powerlessness and confusion envelops me. It feels as if the ground has fallen from underneath my feet. I have lost my footing; my world has collapsed around me. Suddenly I find myself gripping onto a rock by my fingers. I am dangling in this darkness; terrified as I realize there is nothing I can do. My arms are getting tired. I hold on for dear life as the foreboding feeling of death comes over me. I am going to have to let go. My God, I am going to die. I am going to die. The pain is agonizing; the fear is paralyzing. No longer able to hold on, I SURRENDER. I let go into the darkness. I let go to my death. My body plummets deep into the vortex with an unimaginable force of gravity. As my body is falling, calmness comes over me. I begin to experience a different sense of awareness. My identification with my body fades away; my mind disappears; and my emotions vanish. All that is left is my consciousness, and it is now rising. No body, no mind, no emotions - no Ronit - just pure awareness.