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We Are Sexual Beings

Differences between men and women

It is well known that men and women have very different sexual drives; men have a much stronger sexual drive than women. It is also apparent that men get aroused more readily and in different ways than women. What is not as well understood is the extent to which these differences are physiologically wired in their brains. With the technological advances in neurophysiology, scientists are now able to see why these differences are so significant. They show us that the areas responsible for sexual and emotional drives are considerably different in men and women. As Louanne Brizendine, a neuropsychiatrist, wrote in her book, The Female Brain, "Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road." Men, however, "have O'Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex, where women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes." This hard wiring in the brain explains the frustration both men and women experience as each gender unsuccessfully tries to conform the other to its needs - men cannot get women to make love with them more frequently, and women cannot get men to express more emotions. The genders’ respective drives are part of their biological nature and cannot be easily controlled or changed, unless they learn how to work together with their distinct wiring.


The following scenario is presented to illustrate how this plays out with a typical couple. Note, it does not apply to all couples, but is a generalization of what I have seen in my practice over the past twenty years. When a couple meets, and there is chemistry between them, they begin the dance of courting each other. The man may buy her flowers, give her cards, wine and dine her, and do whatever he can to win her over. The woman dresses attractively and sexily for him. She gives him a lot of attention, and in general makes him feel desired and loved. They bring passion, mystery and adventure to their new found relationship. Both are excited and hungry for each other. At this point their biological differences are not noticeably affecting their sexual drives because the woman is receiving the affection and attention she needs to arouse her.

When they get married, or settle into a long term living situation, their future is filled with hope and dreams. They are looking forward to sharing a life together as partners and lovers. It doesn’t take long before things change. They gradually fall into the routine of life and unintentionally start taking each other for granted. Their romantic dance diminishes more and more over time. The man may stop buying her flowers or doing other things which made her feel loved and special, and the woman may stop dressing sexily for him and giving him the attention he needs. This is where the biological differences kick in. While the man, because of his wiring, is still hot to trot and wants to engage in sex with her as often as he did before, her drive diminishes significantly since she is no longer receiving the emotional stimulation essential to trigger her sexual desire for him.

The man, still aroused by his woman, approaches her night after night (or day), only to be rebuffed more often than not. She may tell him she is tired, has a headache, is not in the mood or falls asleep before he gets into bed. At those times where she finally relents, she does not appear as engaged or excited, leading him to believe she is not really into him. He becomes frustrated, and starts putting pressure on her to sleep with him. The woman, after some pressure will succumb either because she feels guilty or she just wants to shut him up. Now the nature of their sex lives changes dramatically; for the woman it becomes mostly work or duty; for the man it is laced with frustration. As this cycle continues, the act of sex turns into something she resents or avoids which only increases his frustration. The breakdown occurs because the man doesn’t understand that it is not that she doesn’t want him or sex, it is that she is not aroused. While she requires greater sexual foreplay in the bedroom prior to actual intercourse, she also needs emotional foreplay during the day to trigger her sexual drive. Emotional foreplay for women can range from receiving a brief loving note or phone call from their men to cooking dinner or taking out the garbage. These actions give a woman the sense of being thought of and cared for – filling her heart with joy and desire. When the woman is emotionally wooed, it triggers her hunger for him and she becomes an eager partner. It all has to do with how the man enters her, emotionally. If he doesn’t arouse her through her emotional world, she will end up wanting sex less frequently and having it with resentment.

What further complicates matters is that men need sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to want to make love. He, not understanding what is going on, takes it personally, and thinks that she doesn’t love him or is not attracted to him anymore. She, also taking his reaction personally, perceives it as, all he wants is her body - he is not interested in her or her needs. Unable to clearly articulate what is going on with her, she begins to complain and nag him about things that seem trivial to him. They both end up blaming each other, feeling resentful, frustrated and unloved.

These feelings spill into their everyday life, affecting the way they interact with each other. His anger and frustration cause him to become less affectionate or emotionally available to her. She grows more unhappy and disconnected from him. Depending on the couple, they may begin to drift apart with different consequences. With some couples, the men transfer their sexual energy to their work, and/or pursue other sexual outlets; the women meet their emotional needs by talking to their girlfriends, taking care of their children and/or finding a man who will provide them with emotional sustenance. Each gender loses the sense of partnership and moves further into its separate and distinct role. They settle into a life of quiet desperation. For other couples, their disconnection becomes so significant they end up getting a divorce, contributing to the 50% divorce rate.



thank you so much, this is highly educational and inspirational, love you



From a biological perspective it seems to serve a man to leave his wife after his children have grown and pursue a younger mate. Biologically one of the strongest merits of marriage and monogamy is the increased chance our offspring thrive. However, I think this is only an issue for us because grandparents are so marginalized in our society. Grandparents no longer play a role survival of their DNA. Divorce rates appear to be less in cultures where grandparents have a role in the family and where the extended family is the primary family unit rather than the nuclear family.

If that is the case then maintaining an enduring relationship in western culture, sexual or otherwise, would be a hard fight indeed.

There were some fantastic points in this article. I think it deserves such a powerful treatment because, regardless of what we think of our role on this planet, we are all animals. Also, there are billions of people here on earth and every one of us is here because of sex making the issue arguably the most important topic. Not one of us would be here if not for sex.

Good stuff.


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