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We Are Sexual Beings
By Ronit
Some suggestions for healing
This cycle can be broken if the couple develops a deeper understanding of their different drives; honor the importance of meeting each other’s needs; and finds ways to make it work for both of them. Because it is not part of women’s nature to desire as much sex as men do, and it is not natural for men to be more affectionate and romantic, they have to help each other override their wiring. This will require from both partners a commitment to work through the resistance that is typically present when people are trying to change old patterns. We are habitual creatures - change does not come easy to us. Breaking old patterns requires a great deal of time, energy, discipline, consistency and patience. It also requires a level of maturity where individuals are willing to do whatever it takes to get the results they want. The other reality is where else can they go? This pattern will repeat itself no matter how many new partners they find.
Breaking old patterns
Breaking old patterns that have been biologically, culturally and socially ingrained in them is not going to be easy. In order for them to truly take this on, they must first recognize that it is no one’s fault that they came into the relationship uninformed about the differences in their sexual needs. They then have to reconnect with the love they felt with each other when they were dating. When they were dating, their primary desire was to make each other happy. Lastly, they need to understand the amount of time and energy they will have to invest in order to get the results they want. They can start by setting some time aside every week to begin communicating openly and honestly with each other. Here, they may encounter great resistance since they usually have a lot of noise around this issue, both from their upbringing and from the hurt and anger they may feel toward each other. Furthermore, men are not programmed to communicate their feelings. The only way to transcend this resistance is by working through it with commitment and determination. If they stick to it, over time, it will become much easier.
During their weekly discussions, their conversations should be as concrete and detailed as possible. Men often complain that they cannot read their partner’s mind. Women generally resist telling their partner they want a card, flowers, or help around the house. They feel if they have to tell them then it is not really coming from their hearts. The truth is most men want to please their women and make them happy; it helps them feel useful and appreciated. They simply don’t have the natural tendency to initiate it anymore than a woman has the natural tendency to initiate sex. They truly have no clue. When a woman tells her man specifically what she needs, she helps him express his affection in a way that will satisfy her.
Men, on the other hand must tell their partners how their complaints affect them. They need to instruct their women on how to communicate in a way that they can hear them. This usually entails women learning how to make requests without sounding like they are nagging.
The more deeply a partner feels and appreciates the other’s needs, the more likely s/he will be moved into wanting to fulfill them. To facilitate truly hearing each other needs, individuals must cultivate the art of listening. This means no interruptions and no blame; just being fully present to what the partner is stating. With love, sympathy and compassion, both partners can get more of their needs met.
A word about expectations - couples need to be realistic - results are not going to come over night. It will take some time and much practice before they see consistent behavioral changes. Patience and understanding is of the essence.
Ronit,
thank you so much, this is highly educational and inspirational, love you
Jodan
From a biological perspective it seems to serve a man to leave his wife after his children have grown and pursue a younger mate. Biologically one of the strongest merits of marriage and monogamy is the increased chance our offspring thrive. However, I think this is only an issue for us because grandparents are so marginalized in our society. Grandparents no longer play a role survival of their DNA. Divorce rates appear to be less in cultures where grandparents have a role in the family and where the extended family is the primary family unit rather than the nuclear family.
If that is the case then maintaining an enduring relationship in western culture, sexual or otherwise, would be a hard fight indeed.
There were some fantastic points in this article. I think it deserves such a powerful treatment because, regardless of what we think of our role on this planet, we are all animals. Also, there are billions of people here on earth and every one of us is here because of sex making the issue arguably the most important topic. Not one of us would be here if not for sex.
Good stuff.
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