Dear Ronit

My teenage daughter is drifting away from me. We used to spend a lot of time together just us and she used to confide in me about almost anything. More recently I find her reticent aloof and dismissive.
Everyone I talk to says that she is just being a teenager but I don't feel like that is very helpful. I know they need their space and that they are becoming individuals but does that require shunning her mother? Is this the way it has to be?

Thank you for any advice you can offer me.

A mother in Long Island

Dear Mother in Long Island,

Your teenage daughter is going through the typical and healthy stage of separation and individuation from you. This often is a turbulent time for both parents and teenage children since it can feel abrupt and emotionally violent. It is, however, a necessary stage of development toward adulthood. As a parent, you want to give your daughter the space to develop her own sense of self, separate and apart from you and her father. It is a time where the teenage turns to her peer group for her self definition. It does not mean though, that you cannot remain involved in various aspects of her life. She still needs parental guidance, structure and love.

The best way you can continue to participate in her life is by showing interest in things that she enjoys doing, e.g., listen to the music she listens to, explore what web sites interest her, find out what movies she likes, etc. This way you can create a common ground for discussion. Most parents tend to either ignore or judge harshly their children's interests, thereby, further alienating them. By getting more involved in your daughter's interests, you not only create a common ground for discussion, but you also have the opportunity to gently give your perspective and transmit values to her.

No matter how disconnected she may appear, remember she still needs and wants your love, guidance and support. You just have to be more creative in how you approach her.

If you go to the Interdependent section of this site, you will find a letter I wrote to parents from a teenager's voice. It may give you a better understanding as to what your daughter may be going through at this point in her life.

Best to you and your daughter,
Ronit