Dear Ronit,

My husband and I have a wonderful relationship and get along great. For the most part, we are very close and are able to communicate well. However, when it comes to talking about deeper issues, he does everything in his power to change the subject. I find it frustrating that he won't open up to me about important things.

I know that he had a rough childhood; his parents were verbally abusive to him and each other. He doesn't talk about this, or anything else in his past, and I feel that it puts a lot of distance between us. I never push him, but I wish that he could talk about his feelings.

I'm concerned because I feel like I don't really know him as much as I think I do. Also, since he is uncomfortable talking about deeper issues, I don't express mine to him often.
We have two young daughters, and I want them to see a healthy example of open communication, and know that it is good to express their feelings.

How can I get us to a healthier level?

Stefanie, NYC

Dear Stefanie,

Your issue is one of the most common issues facing heterosexual couples. To understand this better we need to first recognize some basic relevant differences which exist between men and women. The reality is that generally men and women relate differently. Men tend to be less verbal and more action oriented. They are more outwardly focused and independent. Women tend to be more verbal, communal and interdependent. There are several biological, cultural and social factors contributing to these differences, but I will only discuss two:

The first is evolutionary. If we examine the male and female roles historically, we see that the male’s predominate role was to hunt and provide for the family. His energies had to focus on actions in the outside world. The female’s role is to birth, nurture the young and to create a community of support. Her energies had to focus on her internal processes, and nurturing communication with her young and other women. Clearly, these two roles require very different skills and tools.

The second is role modeling. Children learn about relationships and communications predominantly from their parents. Therefore, most boys grew up with fathers who have been more outwardly focused and action oriented. It is not natural for men to communicate about their interior feelings. They have not been taught to pay attention to them, let alone how to express them.

Understanding these differences is essential because women tend to take it personally when their men don’t share their feelings with them. This is not personal; it is just their present nature at this stage of human development.

So what do you do? Your desire to feel closer to your husband and present positive role models to your children is valid. The best way to approach him is by honestly discussing your concerns. Share with him your wish to understand him better and get closer to him. Let him know how it is affecting your ability to be open with him. Ask him if he would be willing to set aside one evening a week to discuss with you what is going on within him. Remember, this is not familiar terrain for him so be patient and understanding about his discomfort. He may not even know what is going on inside him since he has not been inquiring into this emotional realm. Additionally, given his childhood experiences with verbally abusive parents, he may be even more resistant to opening up, not wanting to re-experience those painful memories and not having first hand knowledge that it can be safe to do so with you. With consistent support and unconditional love, he may begin to explore and share more with himself and with you. If he resists your request, then you may want to suggest that he go with you to counseling where a professional may help him feel safe to open up.